Fear and Loathing in the Animal Kingdom

Water buffaloes do not look especially menacing. In fact, considering that they wallow in dank swamps for most of their lives, they may rank among the least interesting animals of the world.

However, what if they were forced to ingest a large amount of PCP (Phencyclidine for those M.D. folks)?

The circumstance is as follows: a fight to the death between a group of PCP-addled water buffaloes and a group of sober, albeit inherently horny, rhinoceroses.

The rhinoceros is the tank of the animal kingdom. A tough, impenetrable hide and a giant spike set between their eyes make for a truly destructive mammal. But if faced against a group of wild-eyed swamp cows looking to rumble, would they even stand a chance?

First, a brief examination of the drug PCP. Apparently, this stuff turns your brain to goo and erases any sort of civility that you may have previously had. As an example, " a 38-year-old man on PCP, cut off the head of his dog, and attacked a stranger on the street with a razor" according to the website thestraightdope.com.

While a rhinoceros would maybe consider the fight or flight option before charging into battle, a water buffalo riding the tide of a PCP high would likely rush towards the rhinos with aplomb, their mouths spattering bits of drool and their eyes more vacant than the Bates Motel.

This would not be a standard fight in any sense of the word. This would be a massacre. After goring the rhinos beyond any semblance of an animal, the water buffaloes would feast on the scattered limbs and organs and then turn on one another; seeking to violently eliminate the life around them. Whatever survivors should remain would be mentally incapacitated for life - their brains rotted from the drug abuse.

Why human beings voluntarily take PCP will forever remain a mystery, but if a group of water buffaloes on PCP attacked a pack of rhinos, it's a fact that the former would claim victory.

Why?

Some of my friends have blogs. Most of them bleed ink over why George Bush/Barrack Obama is a great man or an evil tyrant. Others share the detailed minutiae of their daily lives (i.e. "I went shopping today and bought some Twinkies and the new Matt Damon flick. Then I filled my car up - gas is expensive!"). Say what you will but to me that's a giant yawnfest.

Animalocaust, simply, exists as an alternative to the the innumerable boring blogs that are floating around the vast reaches of the interweb. It deals solely with one group of creatures fighting another group of creatures to the death given a certain variable. Those reading this blog should not be concerned with anything except if the 1000 wild boars/poison tree frogs/narwhals will reign victorious over the 1000 horned goats/snow owls/berserker lobsters. No politics, no Dear Diary nonsense, and no PETA.

Enjoy.